A few years ago I found myself confronted by two brand new texts titled: Essentials in Mathematics Grade 7 and  Essentials in Mathematics Grade 8. 

My hair was not quite standing on end but the prospect of teaching the “New Math”  to my 26 scholars had me gibbering like a chimp. On paper at least, the letters behind my name would have qualified me for any position (except secretary) in the Frontenac County Schools but my most recent encounter with math (Grade 10 Algebra) had been somewhat less than inpiring. I scored a D-minus only because our teacher could not access D-minus- minus and he had no desire make me re-take his class. In Grade 9 Geometry I had been “given” a D-minus.

The year before, Gary White, as the newly minted principal at the public school in Plevna, had been sufficiently desperate to fill his staff that he hired me over the phone, sight unseen, mostly on the “He’ll be okay,” recommendation of Mrs. Sproule, the grade 5-6 teacher. My second year I was given “the big kids” and, if that was not worrisome enough, I had to teach them “The New Math”.

My own teachers had been very comfortable with the subject. Their university degrees were in Mathematics. They were not prodigies and may not have had any aspirations toward pioneering new mathamatical theory nor becoming famous, but they knew their stuff.  I clearly recall Mr. Richards, chalk in hand, turning to his class and asking “Are there any questions?” Some of the kids had questions  ….  but not me. I never did figure out what the heck he was talking about. Never.

So, when it came time to teach the young people at Plevna I told them the whole story, “My most recent math was Grade 10. I got a D-minus.  Mr. Richards was a great teacher and he always asked if we had any questions.  I never had a single question because I never figured out what he was on about.”

It was no use in pretending to them I was smarter in math than they were but, I assured the class, I’d stay at least a couple days ahead and would NEVER ask them if they had a question.

“In this room, if you are not following what we a talking about, yell WHOA! Shout it out!”

Kids would yell, “Whoa!” several times a class some days.

I’d ask: “Okay. Where were we when you did understand?”

And so we would step back and start from where everyone got it and then move ahead again.

“Whoa!”  And I’d work it through a third time and usually the second or third variation would be enough and we could go on.  But if there was a third whoa I’d give it up.

“Any one else want to try?” And I would take that kid’s seat and she or he would teach the lesson. Sometimes a second student would teach (or 2 or 3 piping up) and when we all “got it” we would carry on together.

There were sevens and eights in that classroom, so I taught from the Grade 8 text our first year and Grade 7 the next. That worked out very well. In multi-grade classrooms all the youngsters are sitting through all the other kid’s lessons in any event and instructing them together was best.

During the first seventeen of my Mom’s fifty-five year teaching career she taught all subjects to all eight grades in Sharkie Elementary School just south of Erie Michigan. She always maintained they were the most productive years in her life even though they spanned the Great Depression and the school board was unable to pay her salary a lot of the time. With upwards to ninety children aged 6 through 17 years they all attended the other’s lessons. Older kids worked with the younger and things went well enough, she said.

At some point  …  within the first week or three  …  one of my scholars grumbled “Why are we studying this stuff … anyway?” That was a pertinent question with no obvious answer. I had already assured them that all they would actually need to get along in adult life was addition, subtraction, multiplcation and division. Those everyday skills were the useful tools. The arithmetic problems read to them from my grandfather’s grade 8 text (published in 1888 ) kept us all sharp with regard to the fundamentals.

But New Math? How did it fit in?

That puzzelled us for a while. It was in the curriculum but we were not seeking a faith commitment. We were after reason. Eventually we decided that doing New Math made us smarter.  Taking it on as really challenging puzzles was great exercise for the muscles in our brains. Being “smarter” would be useful for repairing cars and other life challenges.

As I remember it, all the students had earned A’s in Mathematics on each report to their parents and also at years end. One of the moms thanked me for, “Giving Steven the A.”  It was a pleasure to share his test scores with her. Gary White said I would likely get in trouble for it and, in fact, the Superintendent for our area did quietly dress me down. “You cannot give all A’s. There are one or two A’s  a few B’s and mostly C’s  and two D’s. That’s how it is in Frontenac County.”

Parenting is a lot of things: It can be fun, rewarding, eye-opening, difficult, challenging and exhausting – off the top of my head.  And all of those emotions are usually felt before noon in my house.

Meet Xavier Marat.  Born on February 9, 2011, your textbook definition of “spirited child”.  While I do not love labeling people, especially children, he fits the description almost perfectly and the truth is, labels can be helpful in locating the right resources.

It wasn’t until I heard the term “spirited” that I began to Google my heart out.  Finally I came across a book, THE book, that continues to help our journey be a bit smoother: Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka So many books and articles focus on telling you what NOT to do as parents, while this one gives me the language that I need to know what TO do. 

The Characteristics of a Spirited Child:

1. Intensity – loud, dramatic children and the quiet, intently observing children.  Either one, their reactions are always powerful.
2. Persistence – committed to their task or goal, unwilling to give up – they ‘lock in’ to what they are doing
3. Sensitivity – keenly aware of noises, smells, lights, textures or changes in mood. Easily overwhelmed.
4. Perceptiveness – Everything is noticed and they are often accused of not listening.
5. Adaptability – Uncomfortable with change and do not shift easily from one activity to another.
6. Regularity – Figuring out when they will eat and sleep is a daily puzzle
7. Energy – Physically active all the time: climbing, leaping, fidgeting, exploring, creating projects and taking things apart.  Sometimes viewed as ‘wild’ they are very deliberate and focused with their energy.
8. First Reaction – Quick withdrawal in new situations
9. Mood – as in moody and rarely smiles (this is the opposite of Xavier)

Because Xavier feels more of every emotion, situations must be dealt with accordingly.  This does not mean that he runs the show (contrary to what it may look like from the outside), this means that we communicate with him and treat him as he is a vital member of the house. He is given choices so he knows he is part of what is going on around him instead of feeling powerless and out of control in a world where everyone and everything is bigger than him and difficult to understand.

Keeping sanity levels balanced:

There are a few things I do to keep sanity levels balanced:

Role play

• Transitions and change can be tough for all children (and adults for that matter).  Role playing beforehand with dolls, trucks or any toy he’s currently into has helped Xavier identify what is going to happen and mentally prepares him for it. It also makes him feel like he is part of the adventure.  We have used this tactic in getting him to do things like brushing teeth, wearing bike helmets, playing gently with friends and animals, and even leaving the house to run errands.

Limit Screen-time

• It is known that spirited children often have strong sensory reactions and can become overstimulated easily.  Limiting screen time automatically limits the amount of transitions occurring on the flashy game or show that can often spark the overstimulation.

Get Outdoors!

• Whenever Xavier is having a rough time, we head straight outside for a calming walk.  We used to do this in the Moby wrap when he was teeny tiny, and now we alternate between stroller and bike. There is something about the fresh air and open space that completely resets his mood.

Me Time

• Kids can be exhausting and the thought of getting out of your yoga pants and actually running a comb through your noodle make you want to collapse.  But because your child demands so much from you, it is important to make sure your own needs are being met.  Make it to that yoga class; meditate for a few minutes each morning, just do something to turn off your momma brain for a short time each day. It’ll allow you to reset and I find that I have a TON more patience when I do make ‘me’ time, which results in better parenting.

Do What Feels Right

• You are going to hear some insane commentary and advice throughout your parenting lifetime, so get your game face on.  Some of my personal favorites include, “Do you think Xavier is like that because you used cocoa butter on your belly when you were pregnant?” and “Stick a t.v. in his bedroom and the remote in his crib so when he wakes up at 2:00am, he can occupy himself.”  While some advice will be laugh worthy, some will also be really helpful. But what’s important to remember is what works for one child may not fit another.

While I claim to be no expert on child rearing, these are some things that work for our family in this moment in time. Hope they can help you and yours!

What do you find helps in parenting your spirited child?

My Dad wrote this about 17 years ago, just before my daughter was born, as he was wrestling with becoming a grandfather and feeling the need to pass on his wisdom to the next generation of parents in our family… namely, my husband and me.

I’m hoping this is just the first of many of my Dad’s pieces I’ll have the privilege of sharing on this site… 

When dealing with children:

a.         Don’t even try to be fair. Be consistent.

b.         Don’t ever call a kid “bad”. The child is most definitely not bad although at times he or she will find himself/herself be acting inappropriately in a given social situation. “You I like, but this behaviour must stop”.

c.         Occasionally the only way to get a kid’s attention is to spank him/her. Schools and families run more smoothly, children and adults like each other better when there is a bottom line.

d.         Raise up tiny children with an eye toward their teenybopperhood. If you lose control of a child, what chance will you have with the teenager?

e.         Treat kids as much like adults as they can stand.

f.          Permit and encourage your kid to do something, even if it turns out to be wrong (i.e. our girl at eight and the boy, six, spent four weeks skin diving in Mexico – the year before that I had loosed them out onto Brule Lake with a snowmobile.)

g.         Have useful work at hand for children. We built two homes with child labour and, starting at age four, Jenny was our family cook whenever Mom was away. We ate lots of salad and mushroom soup.

h.         Religion is a sound foundation for kids and adults.  Your family will be strongest if Dad and Mom are believers.

I.          Never lie to children about Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc.

j.          Never buy anything the kid asks for while in a store, at least not at that time.

k.         Accustom your kids, your wife and dog to the sound of the same discrete whistle. It gives you a tool for quietly attracting their attention without always having to speak to them.

l.          Punishments should be natural consequences.

k.         Colouring books should be provided for kids at church.

Years ago, in a particularly frustrating phase of parenthood when it seemed like I would never get my head above water, a wise mentor mama encouraged me with words that I’ve hung on to and passed along over the years:

“It’s not what you do in any given moment, it’s what you’re characterized by.”

I can’t tell you what a load that took off of my heart. We try so hard to do it all “right,” to create perfection for our kids, to be the poster parents we feel pressured to be, to have homes filled with joy and light and creativity at every moment and every turn. And we’re so hard on ourselves when we, inevitably, fail at the task!!

Charlotte Mason & Habits

If you are at all familiar with the work of Charlotte Mason, you know the emphasis she put on the development of habits in the education of a child. It was her belief that we are driven by our habits and that the very best thing we could do for our children was to expend daily effort in helping them form the habits that would lead them to a happy and productive life.

I happen to agree with her. It was her encouragement toward that end which kept me going when I was tempted to throw up my hands and adopt a “whatever works” philosophy of survival during those difficult younger years with my kids. I am so thankful now, that I didn’t.

If you are working at developing an intentional family culture then the formation of habits can be one of the biggest tools to use to your advantage. For, it’s not the herculean efforts we make for a special occasion, or the dismal moment when we lose our cool completely that tell the tale of our family culture, it’s the habits we form in ourselves and in our children. It is hard, sometimes, to form habits, because the effort seems great and the results meager.

• Is it really worth forming the habit of a family dinner hour when your two year old is reticent to sit in his chair?
• Is it really worth forming the habit of reading aloud when your four year old doesn’t appear to be listening?
• Is it really worth developing diligence when it’s just easier to go behind a child and do the job yourself?
• What about the moral habits of patience, gentleness, self control and the consideration of others?

It seems we pour our heart and souls into the development of those habits and it might be years before we see the rewards. When weighing the value of your time spent in developing habits with young children the question to ask is, “And what if I don’t bother?” Sometimes the answer to that question will cause you to let things go, and let the child grow a while before trying again. Other times the answer will renew your determination to dig deep and lead by example. No one said building culture was easy, only that it’s worth it.

Habits Worth Building

What are some of the habits that are worth building into a family culture?

Patience: Waiting with a happy spirit. It’s a good thing to work on developing as a habit, for the young and the old: between parents and children, between siblings, with people of differing abilities, or ages, when we must wait, when we are eager.

Diligence: Doing my best job. Life is hard, work is hard, and some things come easier than others. Teaching children to work with diligence is a life long task; we’re still at it as parents! Equipping the young to tackle a task with diligence is a gift that will serve them well forever. It will begin simply, with carrying trash cans, and sweeping the floor by your side and it will grow into university level Algebra and beyond.

Self-Control: The ability to behave properly in social situations. This is not a particularly popular topic in current parenting circles. The idea that children should be allowed complete freedom is prevalent. I disagree, not because I find children bothersome, but because it’s not a realistic introduction to their place in the world. We are social animals. We live in communities. Other people matter, and the sooner that children learn their place in that circle and how to co-exist in a way that is pleasing and productive for everyone, the better. I would argue that a young child with a high degree of self control is a child with more freedom than his friend who has no internal restraint built in by his parents. Why? Because a young child with self control can be taken to museums, concert halls, lovely restaurants, adult parties, on outings that are a little bit dangerous and a hundred other places that a child without self control simply cannot.

Cheerfulness: A happy disposition. Some people are born eyeores, and some sanguine, it’s easy to see from the beginning. However, everyone can learn to choose a cheerful disposition. One of my favourite mothers has a habit of telling her little ones to “Choose cheerful” when they are in a situation they don’t like or are tempted to make the worst of it instead of the best. The understanding that we can, to a large extent, choose our emotional disposition (or at very least the expression of it) is a great gift to a child.

Gratefulness: A thankful spirit, or “Happy for what I have.” It goes beyond verbal manners and saying, “Thank you,” for birthday gifts. Family with a culture of gratefulness is profoundly happy for what they have, actively cultivating contentment and reducing the presence of greed or avarice. A grateful child will eventually learn to be happy for the fortune of his sibling, even if he got nothing, and will understand that even in the absence of every tangible thing, there is much to appreciate in life, internally, and socially.

Determination: Keeping at it. There are so many things that it would just be easier to give up on, aren’t there? From tying shoelaces, to mastering an instrument, to honing writing skills, to geometric proofs, to paying off debt, to pushing hard towars a big dream as a family. One of the most significant habits we can help our children develop is the habit of determination. The willingness to keep pounding away at a hard thing, stepping back, evaluating, taking another tack, analyzing the struggle and then trying a different angle, over and over again until there is a breakthrough and the thing is accomplished. Determination might be the difference between success and failure at any number of significant things. My Dad accomplished this by giving us tasks that he knew were slightly to big for us, that we perhaps weren’t quite capable of completing or solving on our own, and then letting us struggle until we cried. Does that sound harsh? It wasn’t. He’d then come alongside, talk us through it, introduce new information, give a history lesson if necessary and we’d try again together until we succeeded. Determination includes a certain willingness to suffer in the present for the reward in the future. It’s a good habit to acquire.

Rest: Taking a break. You wouldn’t think that rest is something we’d need to cultivate as a habit, but I believe it is. So many people are work-a-holics, and health suffers as a result. Hard work and diligent effort are important habits, but so is the habit of rest. Taking a break as a family. Doing something fun and different. Making memories together. Every day should include work, every day should include rest too. The ability to lay quietly and rest physically, the ability to play hard and rest mentally, the ability to separate one’s self from the mountain of tasks at hand and enjoy the moment. Rest should be a habit in every healthy family culture.

Those are seven habits that any family can begin on at a moment’s notice and that will form a hardy foundation to the culture you’re carefully building. There are many more, of course. Perhaps looking back on your own child you’ll identify some more that you really want to include for your children. Perhaps you’ll identify a few that you definitely don’t want to replicate. There is value in that too, knowing what we don’t want, is a good place to start thinking hard about what we’d rather build instead. Bad habits will build culture as surely as good ones… just of an entirely different sort.

What do you think about the formation of habits in childhood and families? What are you learning? What are you trying to build? Do you have any “tricks” to encourage other families? Share your experiences!

“Enjoy every second… they grow up so fast…”

Every young mother has smiled through clenched teeth as some well meaning older woman has delivered that admonishment with misty eyes. I know I did, when I had four under four and going to the bathroom alone was a struggle, never mind accomplishing the herculean task of grocery shopping.

Of course the sentiment is absolutely true, which is probably why it irks us so much. No one knows more than the maxed out mother how hard she’s trying to enjoy it more, or how guilty she sometimes feels not to be living up to that rosy cheeked vision of motherhood she had while expecting her first.

But, it’s impossible to enjoy every second, isn’t it? And if older moms were more honest, or memories of early childhood were less selective, we wouldn’t say things like that to young mothers.

One grandma got it right when she saw me struggling with eight mittens, four hats, and three boys who all had to pee in the entryway of a building one morning. She patted my arm and smiled:

“The days are long, but the years are short.”

And so they are.

We all have this idea of how it’s going to be:

Family life. We’ve got it all figured out. We’ve got a firm philosophy of childhood in mind. We know what we want. More importantly, we know what we don’t want as glaring examples of bad parenting surround us at every turn. It will be easy to do better than that, surely. And then… our babies are born.

The realities of parenthood and family life are sobering, aren’t they? 

• Days, weeks, months, sometimes years of no sleep
• Vomit & poo become dinner table conversation and badges of honor
• Children turn out to be willful souls instead of winsome blank slates
• Allergies and illness complicate matters
• Perhaps the one we got isn’t the “one we ordered”
• Learning, personality or health differences throw a wrench in our well ordered plans
• The dinner table becomes a war zone
• The sweet bedtime rituals we imagine dissolve into bleary eyed howl fests
• Wrestling a contrary toddler into a carseat requires a black belt in martial arts
• There’s never a break, not ever. Even if we get one, we spend it worrying about the kid

It’s easy to understand why parents get so discouraged and why they trade their dreams of intentional Family Culture for anything that will ensure their survival this day, this hour, this minute.

Parenthood is hard work, and Family Culture isn’t built in a day.

I remember one particular family that I looked up to when my kids were little. I went so far as to invite them (with their four angelic children) to dinner just before Hannah was born. It makes me laugh now, but with great sincerity and an earnest desire to “get it right” I sat Judy down after dinner and asked her what I could do to replicate the things about them that I so admired in my own family. Graciously, she did not laugh me out of my own living room.

“You see that one?” She pointed at her baby, ten years old, quietly playing solitaire on my carpet, “I really thought he might be possessed when he was a toddler! He never stopped screaming and he fought everything. Every single thing. And he was my fourth, so it’s not like it was my first merry-go-round!”

“My house is a train wreck. It’s never clean. Right now, I have piles of laundry waiting to be done. Don’t even talk to me about dishes. It’s impossible to keep on top of it. But those aren’t the things that matter.”

Years later I visited her house and, indeed, it was a train wreck. She was not much of a housekeeper, but she was a fantastic mother.

“Spend the time on the things that matter. Include the kids in everything, even when it’s harder and takes longer. Spend the time on books and music and art projects. Take walks. Collect things. Talk to them. Just remember to do your best every day. Perfect doesn’t matter, just do your best.”

She could never have known how much her words would mean to me over the coming days, weeks, months and years. She’ll never know how many times I held her family up as the pinnacle of all I hoped to accomplish, “someday,” and how much comfort it gave me that her advice was not a formula for success to follow in her footsteps, but an open window into the real world and hard work of raising great kids and building a beautiful family culture.

You see, a Family Culture is built, it doesn’t arrive gift wrapped upon the delivery of your first child.

Family Culture is the culmination of a million tiny moments, tiny choices, tiny and insignificant seeming motions that we go through over and over without thinking much about them. It’s something that can (and will) develop by accident, or it’s something that you develop very much on purpose.

What matters to you most in family life? Joy? Peace? Education? The Arts? Adventure?

Hopefully it’s not just one thing, but many, that you’re seeking to build into your Family Culture. With those things firmly in mind, it gets easier to lift yourself out of the daily grind of parenting multiple little people and the endless shoe tying, nose wiping, tantrum management and the litany of “Why?” questions to think on a bigger scale, with grander purpose and to do your best on any given day. Your best will vary with the seasons, with your health, with your family situation, and a million other things. That’s okay, and it’s to be expected. Just do your best today.

Building Family Culture is all about what’s happening in your head.

Our philosophies drive our actions, we all know that. If you’ve purposed to build a Family Culture of Peace, Joy and Adventure, and The Arts then your day with your littles might look exactly the same from the outside, but will be completely transformed on the inside because there will be a very definite “why” to your actions and interactions with your little people.

• You’ll choose to sing together while you clean bathrooms.
• You’ll plan a special surprise for the parent that is out to bring happiness upon arrival home.
• You’ll take a “quiet walk” and listen to the birds.
• You’ll go to an art museum and pull them through the halls in a wagon if you have to.
• You’ll go on an “adventure hike” actively looking for something extraordinary.
• You’ll find the time to sit and read together, or maybe sit and read separately together.
• You’ll make Saturdays “adventure days” even if it’s only to the laundromat
• Perhaps, like one family we know, you’ll teach everyone to whisper!
• One of the most joyful families I know teaches their toddlers to “choose cheerful” when tempted to throw a fit.
• You’ll find time to finger paint and you’ll listen to Mozart while you do it.

Do you see the difference? It’s not in the externals at all, it’s in why you’re doing what you are doing. You’ll know that you’re building something, with very tiny bricks.

The first five years of parenting are full of joys, but they’re full of struggles as well. It can be a very difficult and disheartening journey. It is made easier, I think, when one takes the longer view. If you can see, in your sticky faced, naked because he refuses clothing, belligerent because he wants a cookie, little person a self confident teenager with bright eyes filled with passion and purpose, it makes it a little easier to take the time to lay the next tiny tile that becomes the mosaic of a family.

We need to encourage each other.

Young mothers need to band together and help each other reach for something higher than the status quo, but in a way that builds up and helps forward, instead of inducing further guilt over perceived failures.

Middle mothers need to keep going, and remember not to count our chickens before they hatch. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and comparison is the enemy of building beautiful Family Cultures.

Older mothers need to reach down and help pull up the mamas struggling so hard in the daily grind. I know one grandma who blesses the socks off of younger families by turning up to help clean, cook, read to little ones and generally ease the mother’s burden, all the while encouraging her that she’ll get there.

The same goes for Daddies, incidentally.

If you have babies and toddlers and are just a few years into this parenthood marathon, take heart. You have years and years ahead of you to build something beautiful with your family and you have all the tools you need within yourself and under your roof. The main thing, it seems to me, is to think about it every day, and purpose in your heart to do the little things that matter. It won’t appear over night, but one day you’ll be the one with the “big kids” and you’ll find that your family is characterized by a very distinct culture… one that you’ve built, from the cradle on up. Make sure it’s the one you want, dig in and build with purpose!

Mothers of littles… weigh in… what are your thoughts on building Family Culture? What are your struggles?

There is a lot of talk in the business world about developing the culture of an organization.

Thousands of dollars are spent on consultants whose sole purpose is to examine the existing culture and craft action plans for developing it with an eye toward collaboration, productivity increase, or some other attribute that is important tot he growth and development of the corporation at large and the individual members within it.

In the parenting world there is a lot of talk about patching the ship, surviving a given stage, “fixing” a certain behavior, instilling certain values and in general “doing the right things” for our children. There are innumerable systems and philosophies full of dos and don’ts that are, at once, dizzying and demoralizing. There is immense pressure put on parents to perform and to provide that elusive “perfect” environment for their growing progeny. There is pressure on the kids too, who are primped, paraded, and compared to their peers at every turn, from their grades and the school they attend to their after school activities and their “giftings.”

What if this is the wrong approach?

What if the basic philosophy of treating children as a product to be crafted and then “sold” at the end in to the “real world” is wrong? What if it’s not at all about any of the things we spend so much time stressing out over? What if, instead, it’s about creating a family culture, more than it is about creating an individual? What if the individual is not a result of the series of behavior modifications and educational or enrichment “inputs” and what if, instead, he is the result of the culture of the family that is crafted around him?

Notice I said, “crafted,” not born into.

Think for a moment about the implications of that. What if it’s the family culture that matters most?

What is your family culture?

 What is culture? 

It’s the synthesis of arts, human interaction, philosophy, literature, education, heritage appreciation and building, values, habits and customs.

Every family has a “culture,” whether or not they are aware of it. If you think about the families you know, you’ll be able to easily identify the prime aspects of their cultures in a very few words.

• The Smiths have a culture of Joy
• The Jones have a culture of Blame
• The Alberts have a culture of Peace
• The Franks have a culture of Anger
• The Browns have a culture of Respect
• The Roberts have a culture of Adventure
• The Edwins have a culture of Excellence

Of course there is more to a culture than a one word summation, but in that one word definition, you have an immediate picture of what that means within a family.

What word, or two, would sum up your family culture?

Are you happy with that?

Every family has a culture, but you’re not stuck with what you were born into, and you’re not limited by what you are right now. Culture can be made, it can be crafted. Indeed, it is always made, always crafted, it’s just that most people aren’t conscious of the process.

How is culture created?

Through intentional philosophy and through a myriad of small choices. 

This is why culture crafting in business has become such big business. The first thing that has to change, if the culture of a business is going to be overhauled, is the mindset of the leaders, the CEO and the management. These are the people directly responsible for the climate of the business both in the public sphere, but also behind closed boardroom doors and in the day to day workings. They pay the big bucks to have someone from the outside, with clearer vision, come in and point out what, sometimes, they’re too close to see: what their philosophy really is and how it is affecting everyone who works with and for them. Once the new philosophy is clearly identified, then any number of actions can be put into place to change the culture. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a long term project.

It is the same with families. The responsibility for the existing family culture lies squarely with the parents, as does any hope for developing the culture beyond that.

What is your family culture? What do you want it to be? 

 Not sure? Ask someone close to your family to help you see more clearly.

I think there is real benefit in considering this idea of family culture vs. reactionary parenting based on the ever changing whims of culture and the unending litany of books thrown at parents, marketed to their fears and weaknesses.

Developing family culture as your primary parenting strategy is something that will take forethought and cooperation.

It will be a project that demands daily attention to the details. It will require faith in the 20 year process and value depth of interaction over instant gratification style results. Less emphasis will be put on what you’re seeing in front of you at any given moment. More emphasis will be put on what you’re trying to develop over the long haul.

A focus on building family culture takes the microscope off of the child. It also takes the child out of the center of the family and instead equalizes the values of all of the members.  All of a sudden Jr. is part of something bigger than himself, more valuable than himself alone. He’s clipped, like a bright new t-shirt, to a laundry line that stretches for generations behind him and off into the future ahead of him. He has a valuable place in it, but he’s not holding it together, he’s not holding it up, it’s not there just for him, it was there before him, and will be there after him. Over the years it becomes clear that he has a responsibility to keep the line going when his turn comes.

Building family culture means that you’re not just parenting your children, you’re equally invested in self development and the personal growth of your partner. It means that the decisions you make about education, activities, the way you spend your evenings and weekends, what you read and watch, the community involvement you have, the way you interact with grandparents and extended family, your attitude towards total strangers and the habits that you allow to form are all considered in light of your family culture and what you are trying to cultivate.

It’s a harder way to raise a family, because it requires constant thought and evaluation on the part of the parents. It requires a focus on philosophy and overall “plan” not just a “whatever works” mindset for the moment.

But, I believe it’s a more respectful way to parent, because children, after all, are not products.

They are not inconveniences. They are not pets, or prizes or trophies to validate our self worth or a second chance at our childhoods. They are living, breathing souls who will live on into a future we will never see. They are our gift to the future. They are the echo of our existence and the living legacy of our grandparents and great grandparents. I don’t know about you, but when I think of my kids that way, as the living trust that my great grandparents fought wars (public as well as private) and famine on behalf of, it changes my perspective on my responsibility as a parent. It’s not just about me, and my kids. It’s about the past and the future of our family for untold generations ahead of me. How could I reduce that to a 1-2-3 method of parenting or a sound-bite, or strawman generalization? Families aren’t that simple. Humanity is not that simple.

Over the next few weeks we’re going to explore this concept of Family Culture further. We’re going to discuss what it looks like, how to build it, and we’re going to think about what that means in very concrete terms. I’d love to have your input. I’d love to have your suggestions, your observations, perhaps even your own article on what you’ve learned about family culture and the power of it in your own life. Please weigh in, and let’s talk. As a generation of free-thinking parents, let’s lay down the over simplifications of our age and dig in to do the decades deep work of crafting a family and its culture.

One of the best things about travel, for us, is seeing how other people live.

Experiencing a little slice of life through their eyes and having the privilege of peeking into family life under someone else’s roof.  Our travels often include friends and family, not to mention complete strangers in addition to grandparents, and it has been wonderful.  Each family blesses us in a different way.  Each family causes me to look at life a little differently; and each family causes me to reflect with a grateful heart on the good gifts I have been given in my own family life.

I was considering these things this morning while we sat in the park, burning the half an hour between the ferry boat docking and the commencement of Sunday services at my parents’ church.  Grammy took us to a lovely little park with a bronze statue of two little children playing leap frog. The girl was on top, leaping over her little brother with her pig tails flying in the breeze. Delightful.

The inscription on the plaque next to the statue caught my eye, I cannot remember the exact quote, but the gist of it is as follows: It is not blood that binds the hearts of family members, but the joy they take in one another and sharing life together.  How true.

Someone I respect greatly says that what a child needs most is for his parents to simply delight in who he is, that no amount of discipline or instruction will come to more than a hill of beans if the child doesn’t grow in the sunshine of true joy at his mere existence.  This quote seems to embody that thought, doesn’t it?

What is joy within a family?

• Does having joy mean that every day is a party and we aren’t allowed to cry?
• Does joy mean faking it for family and friends when we do cry?
• Does joy mean that I as Mom have to be happy every minute of every day?
• Do my children?
• If we fail in this (as we inevitably will) does that mean that we do not have joy in our family?

Of course not. 

Joy is not, primarily, an emotion.

Sure, sometimes we feel joyful, and that is a joy!  But even on the days we do not, we can still choose joy.

Every morning when I wake I have two choices:

1. Act out of the tired groggy way I feel: “You kids be quiet and go play.  I need tea.  I need quiet.  Unless you’re bringing me the first in the manner of the second, take a hike!
2. Choose joy. I can smile. That muscular movement can be produced on demand, regardless of emotional state.  I can choose my words: “Good morning children.  How did you sleep?  Why don’t you sit quietly and eat.  I’ll fix some tea and read a chapter of our book to you.”

Choosing joy is not a matter of denying how you feel and hiding behind a facade.  It is a matter of focus.  I am still tired.  I still need my tea.  I still need some quiet, but, my children are gifts and blessings, they are people too and they have needs and wants this morning.

Choosing joy this morning means seeing them as a delight and communicating that to them instead of seeing them as an albatross around my selfish neck and communicating that. 

We are responsible for the emotional climate of our homes

As unfair as it may seem, we parents are largely responsible for the climate in our homes. If we purpose to choose joy, then everyone tends to join us.  If we are grumpy mean and selfish, the kids are too.

I don’t like it.  That’s more responsibility than I want after a sleepless night with barfing boys.

Nonetheless, it is true.  Time and again this fact has made itself apparent to me in the most humbling of ways.  However, knowing it and acting upon it are two totally different things, aren’t they.

You may not know this about me, but I am a horribly selfish person at my core.

• I want my tea in the morning before ANYTHING else and I want someone else to pour the cream and sugar in it and deliver it to me in bed.
• I want a bubble bath after breakfast every day.
• I want someone else to do laundry.
• I do not want to explain that math lesson for the sixth time or apply consequences for the same offense fifteen times in one day for the four year old.

I just don’t.

I love my family. I chose this life, but every time we spend a week at the Four Seasons I secretly wish to stay there forever in unrealistic luxury with smiling men delivering gourmet lunches with orchids on top of the rice.

Don’t we all? Really?  Maybe you don’t. It is likely that I’m the most selfish person I know and other parents don’t struggle with this.  On the outside, they don’t seem to… but I wonder.

Choosing joy will be one of those life long projects for me.

Of this I am sure.

It takes daily effort for me to see the good in people first, to celebrate the diversity within my own family instead of trying to “fix” people. I have to purpose to extend grace to my husband, my children, the driver in front of me in traffic, the bank clerk and the unbearably incompetent staff at the Burger King in Troy, New York.

It has occurred to me, over the years, that joy within a family finds its roots in grace. 

• Grace allows people to be human, meets them where they REALLY are instead of where we wish they were.
• Grace loves and accepts the person and looks for the positive even when there are behaviors that need to change.
• If we extend grace, living with joy becomes so much easier.

This summer cultivating even more joy is one of my projects. I want my children to grow up surrounded by deep, abiding joy. Not the crazy slap happy silliness that some call joy, but the solid unfading joy that comes from loving acceptance, grace extended and the deep satisfaction of pursuing life and our dreams together.

Mid-winter I often start to get itchy feet, especially if I’m housebound in the northern cold. I start to dream of warm places and adventures outside my four walls. For years, before we started traveling full time, we’d plan a mid-February escape, an early spring break of sorts, to break up the long winter’s night.

Where to go and what to do? 

Here are three ideas for how to take your winter or spring break beyond the boring beach resort and make it something truly uncommon and unforgettable:

Do Something Completely New

Instead of just signing up for the week at the all-inclusive resort in Cancun, like every other family escaping winter, ask your kids (and yourself!) to name of of their big, adventurous dreams.

• Go white water rafting in the Amazon
• Swim with dolphins in Mexico
• Camp in the desert
• Go deep sea fishing in Texas
• Book an everglades airboat exploration in Florida

Break out of the beach-bum mold and check a few things off of your bucket lists!

Stay Local

Hotels are horribly impersonal places and often a recipe for interrupted sleep schedules,  dietary distress and exposure to illness via the other guests, not to mention they’re expensive!

With six in our family, hotels are our least favourite lodging option. Our first and best bet is to rent a fully furnished apartment or house wherever we want to go. It’s so much more comfortable to have a home away from home than to be shoe horned into hotel rooms. In every case, it has been the cheaper option for us as a larger family. When we realized that these fantastic homes are available just about everywhere we want to be, it revolutionized our travel style, and our budget!

Where do we find them? There are lots of options online, but a consistently reliable source is Wimdu.com. Wondering how it works? Just choose the country you want to search, type in the name of the city, and a menu of fantastic places will appear!

Give me private bedrooms, a full kitchen, a living room to hang out in and a washing machine over an overpriced hotel, any day!

Learn Something

Who says spring break has to be a brain break? Often our brains are at our most stimulated and creative when we are out of our “normal” environment. Why not capitalize on that and learn something fabulous together?

• Go dig up dinosaurs in the Arizona desert
• Take Spanish lessons on one of the most beautiful lakes in the world, Lago de Atitlan, in Guatemala
• Take cooking classes in Thailand
• Take surfing or kite-surfing lessons in Hawaii
• Take massage classes together in Mexico
• Sign up for a family Yoga camp
• Spend a week at a working ranch and learn to ride horses and rope cattle

The possibilities are endless! 

Go ahead, ask your kids what they’d REALLY like to do over spring break, or on your mid-winter escape and let their imaginations run wild. Get outside the box and make your next adventure truly uncommon!

I hated poetry as a child.

Nothing was dreaded more than the inevitable spring assignment to write a poem about some aspect of nature. I would sit, pencil poised, waiting for inspiration to strike… and nothing would come. I would sit outside, close my eyes and listen, just like the teacher said, but the breezes didn’t speak to me, nor did the flowers whisper their secrets… I thought a bee was whispering in my ear once in fourth grade… but it turned out that he was just wishing for nectar from the plastic flower on my hair clip. The most I could conjure was some tacky little set of couplets in which the ending words of each line rhymed. I wouldn’t call it poetry, I knew then that it wasn’t, it was just something I contrived to get over the assignment.

In retrospect, the problem is clear

I could not write poetry, because I had not read or heard poetry. 

Of course, the teacher would read three examples of Haiku before she set us to writing, but that can hardly be called a poetry rich environment. Research tells us that good readers are those raised in an environment of many written words; their parents read to them, they see their parents reading, the love for reading is passed on almost as surely as the curly hair that came from Grandma.

Good writers, are often borne of prolific readers. Saturated in the words and writing styles of the great authors of all time, they develop a style all their own, drawn from the example of others.  The same can be said of poetry.

For our children to enjoy poetry they must see us enjoying poetry (and I do NOT mean the “there once was a man from Nantucket” variety that every Grandfather feels it his duty to pass down!) In order to love it, they must see it being loved. In order to read it properly, they must first hear it read. In order to write it well, they must be saturated in the great poetic works of all time, as well as the sweet little vignettes we associate with childhood.

WHY should we teach poetry?

If written words are musical notes, then poetry is the symphony.  Any one can combine the rudiments of language to get a point across; it takes a love of words, and the subject at hand to begin to compose a poem. Poetry is an expression of a personal connection to a being or an object.  t takes pains to go beyond the obvious and to use language worthy of the subject to express it’s intent.

I know parents who say “I never liked poetry much, and it isn’t really relevant to daily life… I’d rather spend that time teaching something that matters, like math.” 

To which my not so delicate answer is this:  Who cares what you liked!

Poetry may have been the bane of your existence, but it may be the nectar of life to your child! Poetry not relevant? What?!  Tell me what could be more relevant than the ability to eloquently express one’s self in matters of the heart and mind?  What is more relevant than having in your command the words and ways of combining them which move the hearts of your fellow man?

If words are the milk, poetry is the cream.

Instead of skimming it off to be used later so that the milk may be consumed more quickly, I encourage you to stir that cream back in and feed your children the fattening milk of many words and much poetry.

• Begin with nursery rhymes in the cradle.
• Continue with such wonderfully illustrated volumes as A Child’s Garden of Verses.
• Memorize selections from anthologies for children, such as Poems for Memorization, or Favorite Poems Old and New.
• Then, just when they least expect it, skim off some of that cream and make ice cream!  The really good stuff!  Read aloud The Pilgrim’s Progress, or The Odyssey.
• Read Shakespeare’s plays, even to the very young.

If it is not your cup of tea, then ACT like it is the fascinating, wonderful stuff that it is… for your children’s sake.  Write poems together to accompany the drawings in your nature notebooks, or stick a little love poem into a lunch box to be enjoyed along with a foil wrapped chocolate heart.

Make poetry come alive in your home, for your children. Even if it never did for you.

Begin simply, with the gentle poetry written for young children.  Fall in love together with the lovely mixture of words and sentiment. Don’t allow poetry to become the thing you’ll get to if all of the other lessons are done… for they are never done, and you’ll never get to it. Read a poem over breakfast, quote a poem to the birds as you feed them, memorize a poem, whatever suits you.

How do you give your children the gift of poetry?

Photo Credit: Imran… via Compfight cc

If you want to find us on a Saturday night you should look at The Mill in downtown Bristol, NH. We love to pack up the herd and a beanbag chair, for Ezra to sleep on, and head into town for an evening of live music in the cozy back room of our local coffee and ice cream shop. David and Linda run the place; they live in a tipi over on Murray Hill road and have for two years. Interesting folks.

Sometimes, Gabe and I take our knitting.

Last Saturday found us anchoring down our usual three tables, sipping tea and coffee. Hannah was holding out for the ice cream.  Gabe and I were knitting away; he’s making his first sock. In walked an older couple, evidently regulars, although new to us. The man smiled down from beneath his fleece hat and snow white beard and said, “Oh!  You must be Waldorf Schoolers!”  We get a lot of funny questions and comments about our brood and their educational orientation, but this was a new one: Waldorf Schoolers? “No, we’re not, why did you think so?” I asked.  “Because your boy is knitting. That’s a hallmark of the Waldorf Schools, they teach their boys to knit.” There you have it. Who knew? This got me thinking.

I didn’t teach my kids to knit out of some greater educational or social agenda. 

I’m not one who spends much time worrying about “gender equality or neutrality.” I just teach them the next logical thing. We’ve got a list of “life skills” that is pages long that we’re plowing our way through over time trying to turn out kids who are not only educated in the intellectual sense, but who have a whole bag full of practical tricks from which to draw throughout their lives, regardless of who they become or what they choose to put their hands to.  Hence, knitting.

My Mim taught me to knit when I was six.  I remember it vividly.  It started at about five, actually, with spool knitting. Pip pounded four little finishing nails into the head of a wooden spool and Mim set me to making rope out of her scrap ends of yarn. I made yards of rope as a little person, perched on a stool at the bar of her cottage. When I could produce rope to her satisfaction she moved me to real knitting needles and scarf knitting. She sat patiently with me and drilled me on the basic stitches with the precision of the Marine that she was, “Knit!  Purl!  Knit!  Purl!  Good, keep going!” She taught Josh and Jacob to knit too. While I knit long scarves and eventually pointy little hats, she knit sweaters and slippers for the boys and I.

Naturally, when Hannah turned six, the Mim in me said, “It’s time to knit!”  Gabe was right behind her, and last week Elisha started his first scarf on number ten needles with the chunkiest possible rainbow hued yarn.  He says that Mim would be proud of him and that the scarf is for his good buddy, Jillian. Ezra is begging me with his whole heart (and occasionally a temper tantrum) to knit. He gets the spool, beginning this week.

Actually, Mim’s gift to me of the ability to knit goes far beyond my four kids. I’ve taught at least five friends to knit as well… one of whom went on to give herself carpal tunnel she knit so much! I take no responsibility for damage incurred by my pupils. Another friend is cranking out socks as fast as she can and has taught four of her six to knit as well. And not one is a Waldorf Schooler!

Why knit?

Why not?

I know, I know, socks are cheaper at Walmart and hand knit sweaters are sometimes the tackiest things on the planet. But sometimes they’re also the most gorgeous expression of love. My Dad lives for my hand knit socks and cackles with joy at Christmas when he opens them… even though my Mom said he didn’t deserve them because he ruined the only pair she ever knit him by putting an axe through his boot, and his fresh knit sock, and his foot… but that’s another story. My husband (and the boys who want to be just like them) live in their “house hats” knit out of the ends of my sock yarn.

Love isn’t the only reason to teach your kids to knit. 

There are other reasons. In our family, for several generations, we have a habit of preserving old skills. It is important to know how to do things, just for the sake of knowing how to do things. It enriches the heart and gives a person options. I like knowing that my family will never lack socks, mittens, hats, scarves, bags, sweaters etc. No matter what happens to the economy, where we live or how much money we make. I can always make them myself.  Knitting isn’t the only old skill we preserve, but it’s a good one.

Learning to knit is also an antidote to our “hurry up” culture. 

Last week as I sat on the couch with Elisha, holding his little hands under mine and teaching him “Knit, purl, knit, purl.” I pointed out the most important part of the lesson: “Elisha, if you are going to knit you have to be patient and diligent.  When you get stuck, ask for help and Gabe will fix it, but you must work carefully and not lose your temper.”

In teaching a child to knit you’re working on what Charlotte Mason would have called the Habit of Attention, and you’re not cracking one school book to do it. Knitting provides children with a way to be productive and keep their hands busy while their minds are doing other things, like listening to live music at the cafe, or listening to Mama read history after lunch, or watching a movie with the family on a Sunday afternoon. It is an excellent car activity (Gabe knit a scarf for Ezra on the way to Washington D.C. and Hannah is working on a purse for her friend for Christmas). It is good for self esteem as well, as it provides a real, tangible accomplishment, and is an adult skill of which a child can be justifiably proud.

Maybe you don’t know how to knit.

Or, maybe you hate knitting… my Mom did, that’s why she farmed it out to my Mim. No matter, it doesn’t have to be knitting. The point is that there are adult skills that we all have, old skills that need preserving for the next generation, that can be taught to our children.

• Maybe your carve and scrimshaw like my Dad does.
• Maybe you weld.
• Maybe you do English smocking, or maybe you don’t do any of the above but you know people who do.

Make these things an integral part of your children’s education. Resources for how to teach them are available easily on the internet, for free in many cases. Your kids may hate it. But then again, they may love it… you won’t know until you give them a chance.  I would never have predicted that my outdoor adventure boy would also be the champion knitter of the children in our home.  I’m so glad I didn’t keep him from it!

Post Script:  I wrote this article on the plane ride home, somewhere high above Montana. Two days later when I took the kids to their music class there sat three children from three different families knitting and crocheting!  How great is that?!